I am Not the Macho Man that I Thought I’d Grow Up to Be

People push away feelings all the time.  Need to make a decision and want to be rational instead of emotional?  Makes perfect sense.  Had a bad day at work and if you think about it you’re going to get angrier and angrier?  Push it away and move on; it’s not worth it.   Things like that happen all the time.  Makes sense not to get caught up in the negative emotions.  There are too many things to actually enjoy, right?

But then think about the good things that do happen.  The things that bring us happiness and joy…we want to hold on to those, right?  Enjoy the moment and preserve that feeling?  Yeah, but then you realize that at some point that joy is going to go away…and being so happy is going to make the drop off in feelings that much worse.  So maybe it’s not worth being so happy as it’s all going to end anyway.  And also, maybe getting caught up in that happiness is blinding you to what’s going on around you, something that will cause you sadness soon.  So rather than being so happy, maybe you should be on your guard to protect against or at least minimize the next let down.  Maybe, it’s not even worth being happy…it’s all going to end anyway.

Emotions are not something I handle well.  I never have.  They’ve confused me, distracted me, and outright frightened me at times.  For me, they opened up weakness and vulnerability.  That led to stress and unease.  Anger led to frustration and impulsive behavior.  Even ambition and drive were to be avoided, as they left you open to let down and disappointment.   All of it led to regret, as the negative feelings then sat with me, and I would kick myself for having dug myself into that hole.

Rather than make myself susceptible and open to the negative feelings that seemed inevitable, for a long time I avoided emotions and feelings in general.  It wasn’t a totally conscious decision; I kind of thought it was expected of me and what I drifted towards as a result.  As a male, I wanted to grow up, be a provider for my family, be the rock that they could lean on, and in times of stress or trouble, be the steady and reliable foundation that was expected of me.  I wouldn’t get too caught up in anything other than the occasional ball game, and when it came to the day-to-day stuff, I was going to be the consistently stoic person that went through the day, handling everything that came his way one by one.  No surprises and in total control, day after day. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Yes, it’s a generic characterization, a stereotype of what being a MAN was, but it was what I had seen on TV, in movies, in life, and it’s what I expected to be the norm.  I wouldn’t say that it was a picture of happiness, but it was a picture of what seemed to be “right.”  That was what I was supposed to grow up to be.

And to be honest, it’s kind of what I hoped for.  Being happy meant there was something you could lose.  And losing happiness was worse than never being happy at all.  At least, that’s what I thought, and it’s how I approached my life.  

To this day, it’s still a default approach for me, despite the fact that I know that to fight those emotions and those feelings deprives me of positive things in life that make it worth living.  The loving smile from my wife.  My daughter’s laugh.  Even taking the time to look around and appreciate what I have.  But I would think: "It will go away and you'll be left empty."  "Don't be satisfied as there's something bad coming you have to prepare for."  To get too caught up in any of it exposed a chink in my armor.   Emotions and weakness were one and the same.

Believe me, when I say or write that, I’m fully aware of how it comes across.  I would never advise anyone to go through life like that.  I would tell them to enjoy the moment, be happy with what you have, embrace the good, and let go of the bad.  What good is life if there’s no happiness?

I'm good at giving advice.  Terrible at listening.

It’s been a constant struggle for me.  I’ve suppressed emotions for a long time.  Largely because, in the past, they were dominated by negative ones.  Feelings of sadness.  Of loneliness.  Anger and frustration.  I didn’t know how to handle them or how to deal with them.  I couldn’t move on.  I couldn’t even fight them.  Instead, I buried them.  Pushed them down.  If I didn’t FEEL, then I could focus.  I could do the things that at some point in my life, when I allowed myself, would make me happy.  And eventually, I thought, it’d be great.  Or at least it’d be fine.

But after many decades of doing that, of pushing things down and holding things in, I realized it wasn’t going anywhere good.  As much as I thought I was protecting myself, I was really just bottling things in.  Rather than going away, they began pushing back.  And not in a good way; I found myself getting angrier without much provocation.  I found myself nervous about things that I could not identify—anxiety would build and I couldn’t find a cause.  And more and more, I found myself feeling sad, a state of mind that just generally sat with me from morning and through night, not because of anything that had happened around me, but because I wasn’t allowing myself to work through anything, to acknowledge the negative feelings, and then accept and move on.  Instead, I used them to stoke this internal fire that would, at times, become too hot to handle, and it would just permeate into my subconscious and impact my mood.

A lot of this, I’m sure, sounds pretty typical. I’m sure we all know multiple people who have been guilty of this at times.  And in the short-term, it may even be useful, pushing aside distractions so that you can focus on what is important in the moment.  

But I can tell you, that long-term, it is not a solution.  It leads to frustration.  It leads to loneliness.  It leads to pain.  You begin to lose sight as to what it is in a given moment that bothers you: is it the coffee isn’t as good as yesterday?  Is it the thing at work from last week you haven’t completed?  Is it the comment that so-and-so said 15 years ago?  For me, any of them were possible, and it became apparent that at some point, and some point soon, I was going to break.

I’ve talked to people about why I feel a given way and learned a lot about myself.  To my wife.  To my daughter.  To my therapist.  Saying and acknowledging things have given me new insight as what it is that makes me who I am.  It tells me what I value, what I’m looking for in life.  It tells me what I find good in the world and what I want to change.  Most importantly, it has told me who I am.

Yes, it comes with its drawbacks.  Sometimes I have to deal with things in the moment as they come up, rather than push them aside to “power on” with whatever it is that I’m doing.  So it means a slight delay or detour when I’m confronted with sadness or disappointment.  But it also means that I find myself presented with small joys and finding happiness in little things in life.  Those little bits of pleasures are things that I had denied myself previously.  And I hadn’t appreciated how much I had missed.

So I realize now not to fight emotions.  I’m far from perfect at it, but I am working on it.  I understand emotions are not to be feared.  That they are not to be fought.  That they are part of who you are and help you navigate the world every day.  Worry and stress are signs of discomfort and give you help in setting priorities and how you approach the world.  Anger is a consequence of having a moral compass and defining what you think is right and wrong.  Happiness is not something that is eventually lost, but our reward we get in return for giving something of meaning to the world. 

Knowing all that, it makes me a better prepared to face the world and not only meet the goals that I set for myself, but know, clearly, and confidently, what those goals are.  Because I have allowed myself to FEEL, and to acknowledge those feelings, I am becoming much more comfortable with who I am.

2017 No More

2017. 

I’m not completely sure how I feel about it yet.  Time is needed.  It was a year of sadness, frustration, and anger.  Those emotions seem to dominate when I look back and think about the last year.  But that’s not all it was; there was good in there as well.  I just have to work to find it at times.

It was a year where I looked at myself and realized that I wanted to change things.  How I approached life.  How I interacted with others.  How I looked at myself.  It was a year of growth for me, and one that I hope is for the better.

Looking around, I’m embarrassed by what I have seen happen on the national and international stages.  People we look to as leaders, entertainers, or informants have disappointed me time and time again.  While this is not new, in the past it felt like things would fade away over time.  However the volume of news, revelations, bad decisions, statements, or what-have-you was overwhelming.  Every day seemed to be filled with a jab, gut punch, or uppercut from which we never recovered.  I know that I’m not alone in thinking that. The news this year was a constant barrage of misery.

I found myself going to work but unable to concentrate.  It used to be that I was good at separating work and everything else that was going on around me; I could compartmentalize and deal with things as they happened.  But the overall stress caused by what was happening around me was too much.  It was hard for me to deal with.  My morning ritual became “have a cup of coffee and sigh with disappointment" until leaving for work.

There was personal stress as well.  As a family, we decided to buy a new home; this involved selling our old one as well.  I will spare you the details, but generally it is agreed that real estate transactions are among the biggest sources of stress and that held true here.  In the end, the process was completed, and we’re very happy for it, but it was an emotional roller coaster

On top of it all, there were emergencies that popped up, conflicts with individuals, and feeling like I was falling behind on all of my responsibilities (professional and personal).  Disappointment and frustration were my primary emotions.  

Earlier this year, I started coming more and more to grips with my OCD.  It’s generally triggered by stress, and this year it worked overtime.  Come mid-December, I had gotten so used to being overwhelmed that even though things seemed to begin to settle down, I’d create issues in my head that would work to just sustain the stress-levels I had grown accustomed to.  I felt helpless.  

I’ve started taking some meds for this….not constant, just something to help when I’m feeling like things are growing beyond my ability to cope.  I’ll see how that goes and hope that’ll get the job done.

But looking back at 2017 and thinking about how I made it through it, there's one major thing that I had going for me: knowing that every day I could return home to a healthy, and supportive family.  I leaned on them this year more than ever, and they carried me over the finish line.  My wife and my daughter were amazing, and I struggle to imagine where I would be without them.  It's time for me to repay them.

And with that, I know that I’m going to face 2018 differently.  I spent the entire year reacting.  I let stuff happen to me and around me, and then would find a way to deal or respond.  I’m not going to do that this year.  I’m still figuring out how I’m going to do it, and I’ll document it in the future.  But I’m going to be proactive this year—not let other people dictate my happiness and not just wait for things to get better.  I’m going to make my mental health a priority and remember that there are ways to have fun and joy out of life.  But I’m also going to make sure I help others do the same.  We’re in this together.