2017 No More

2017. 

I’m not completely sure how I feel about it yet.  Time is needed.  It was a year of sadness, frustration, and anger.  Those emotions seem to dominate when I look back and think about the last year.  But that’s not all it was; there was good in there as well.  I just have to work to find it at times.

It was a year where I looked at myself and realized that I wanted to change things.  How I approached life.  How I interacted with others.  How I looked at myself.  It was a year of growth for me, and one that I hope is for the better.

Looking around, I’m embarrassed by what I have seen happen on the national and international stages.  People we look to as leaders, entertainers, or informants have disappointed me time and time again.  While this is not new, in the past it felt like things would fade away over time.  However the volume of news, revelations, bad decisions, statements, or what-have-you was overwhelming.  Every day seemed to be filled with a jab, gut punch, or uppercut from which we never recovered.  I know that I’m not alone in thinking that. The news this year was a constant barrage of misery.

I found myself going to work but unable to concentrate.  It used to be that I was good at separating work and everything else that was going on around me; I could compartmentalize and deal with things as they happened.  But the overall stress caused by what was happening around me was too much.  It was hard for me to deal with.  My morning ritual became “have a cup of coffee and sigh with disappointment" until leaving for work.

There was personal stress as well.  As a family, we decided to buy a new home; this involved selling our old one as well.  I will spare you the details, but generally it is agreed that real estate transactions are among the biggest sources of stress and that held true here.  In the end, the process was completed, and we’re very happy for it, but it was an emotional roller coaster

On top of it all, there were emergencies that popped up, conflicts with individuals, and feeling like I was falling behind on all of my responsibilities (professional and personal).  Disappointment and frustration were my primary emotions.  

Earlier this year, I started coming more and more to grips with my OCD.  It’s generally triggered by stress, and this year it worked overtime.  Come mid-December, I had gotten so used to being overwhelmed that even though things seemed to begin to settle down, I’d create issues in my head that would work to just sustain the stress-levels I had grown accustomed to.  I felt helpless.  

I’ve started taking some meds for this….not constant, just something to help when I’m feeling like things are growing beyond my ability to cope.  I’ll see how that goes and hope that’ll get the job done.

But looking back at 2017 and thinking about how I made it through it, there's one major thing that I had going for me: knowing that every day I could return home to a healthy, and supportive family.  I leaned on them this year more than ever, and they carried me over the finish line.  My wife and my daughter were amazing, and I struggle to imagine where I would be without them.  It's time for me to repay them.

And with that, I know that I’m going to face 2018 differently.  I spent the entire year reacting.  I let stuff happen to me and around me, and then would find a way to deal or respond.  I’m not going to do that this year.  I’m still figuring out how I’m going to do it, and I’ll document it in the future.  But I’m going to be proactive this year—not let other people dictate my happiness and not just wait for things to get better.  I’m going to make my mental health a priority and remember that there are ways to have fun and joy out of life.  But I’m also going to make sure I help others do the same.  We’re in this together.